Sync or Swim

Previously published as Sync or Swim by Saloomeh Nakh Saz.

How do I stay close to you without losing myself?

In her work with couples, marriage and family therapist Saloomeh Saz hears this question again and again, in different words and different languages. Every relationship has to hold two needs at once: the need to remain yourself and the need to be truly close to another person. When the two are in balance, a relationship feels both safe and alive. When one crowds out the other, partners begin to feel either smothered or alone.

Sync or Swim is a practical guide to finding that balance and keeping it. It draws on her clinical work and on research from self-determination theory, John Gottman's studies of lasting relationships and Nonviolent Communication. It shows you how to:

• understand why you need both closeness and independence
• know yourself better, so you can see your partner more clearly
• set and keep healthy boundaries: physical, emotional and digital
• recognize the warning signs of over-attachment and of too much distance
• build emotional resilience as a couple
• express your needs clearly and listen with real empathy
• create rituals and shared experiences that bring you closer

Each chapter includes stories from the therapy room (composites, with names and details changed), step-by-step exercises for you and your partner, and a personal story from the author's own life.

This second edition is fully revised and rewritten, with clearer exercises, new chapter titles and an updated list of further resources.

Whether you're newly together, long married or finding your way back to each other, Sync or Swim will help you build a relationship with room for both of you.